Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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