great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
