So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
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