Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
