Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
