The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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