to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You're a waste of cheezeits
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
