wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
