Your dad touched me again.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sober January is a disaster.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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