She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
