now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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