I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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