I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
