I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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