got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
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trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
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There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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