Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
