It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
