In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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