I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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