so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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