She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
