I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
