I didn't shave. On purpose
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
