How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
