I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm jealous of your bromance
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize