I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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