Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
birth control should be required to get into college
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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