One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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