There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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