Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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