I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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