I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
