Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
