i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
