everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
