Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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