u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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