Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think I have vodka in my lungs
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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