I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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