suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
