And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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