I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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