508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
