I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
