I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
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Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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