I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
