Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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