I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
