I heard we made out
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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