id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
