I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
