I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
