Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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