I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
