so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let's get the cat blown out
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
